This is not a Victimless Crime

There are victims and I have identified the perpetrator! This has not happened once, but three times now. I cannot tolerate another victim of this hideous crime. It’s not a random crime, but a crime that only happens only at my house. All of the victims of this crime are dead. I tried to revive them but nothing I did saved them from destiny.

How unfair it is that they must die in an agitated swirl of cold sudsy water. They have done nothing wrong and have been faithful to my every command. They listen to my instructions and respond immediately following each direction, never deviating from the instruction that I carefully feed to them. I’ve been here only five months and already there have been three victims, and now possibly a forth has narrowly escaped.

I used heroic methods to bring them back to life. I ran to the store at full sprint to purchase a bag of rice; money was no object. I took the stairway to my apartment by surprise, two steps at a time. I recovered a large Tupperware container in no time flat. I quickly spread my poor dying friends out and poured rice over their little bodies. I waited the twenty-four hours as instructed before unburying them from their tiny rice graves. I followed the instructions on the internet, but it was no use, they were D.O.A. My emotions run high each time I lose one: anger, loss, frustration. Their pictures are posted in memory; beside the victims is a picture of who I am holding responsible for this serial crime. May they rest in peace in cell phone heaven.

By the way, I budget for a new Ms. Cell each month. As I publish this, I have no idea where the phone I purchased only three weeks ago might be. It’s possible Ms. Cell #4 saw an opportunity when I was in Castries to escape before becoming the next inevitable victim. Ms. Cell Phone #4 picture is at the left. If you happen to see her, please tell her I miss her.

At first it was difficult because there was no one to blame. It’s easier now that I’ve identified the washing machine that smugly sits on my back balcony. We both know the truth.